Things that happen when you’ve been single AF for a long time

It’s a new year and you’ve just escaped the worldwide epidemic, known as 2016. It had been an extremely difficult and lonely year for me, and probably for most of you as well. Let’s hope 2017 is going to be better for all of us. Writing this blog has certainly made me feel better and filled in that void, knowing that I’m reaching out to others like me. Nevertheless, I’ve been told more than once that my blog has scared away all the potential people that want to date me and that I was truly single AF. While the comment has stayed with me to this day, I’ve tried playing it cool and laughing it off. But sometimes, I think it’s true. I am the single AF girl after all.

You know you’re single AF when all of your friends are in relationships or are seeing someone or the very least, in love with someone. And then there’s you, stuck as the eternal third wheel. Or the fifth. Or the seventh. And so on. Your friends’ partners have become your friends and you’ve sort of become adjusted to the whole third wheel setting. Them sucking faces in front of you doesn’t even
bother you as much as it used to.

You don’t have a plus one at parties/ get-togethers and sometimes are forced to take that person you only went out with twice, for an obligatory couple event. You often feel left out when your non-single friends start discussing relationships. You don’t even remember what it’s like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, making you unable to make a single contribution to the conversation.

You know you’re single AF when your friends start feeling bad for you and try to set you up with other people. And sometimes, you’ve half-heartedly agreed to talk to their friends, only to find out that this person isn’t for you. In fact, you’ve completely given up on dating at this point. You’d rather stay in and watch a good series than go out with that person you’ve been trying to avoid hanging out
with for the past three weeks.

There is nothing more annoying than being told to give your friends (whom you only have platonic friendships with) or some “nice” person you clearly aren’t interested in, a shot. Honestly, what part of “I’m sorry, I just don’t like him that way” or “I’m just not attracted to him” is so hard to understand? You don’t care if this person is “nice” or “really likes you”. You strictly believe that relationships cannot be one-sided, and you’d rather be single than be in an unhappy relationship. Being single for so long has taught you better.

This is when the people closest to you start to tell you that you’re too picky. Your parents have started to assume that you’re asexual or that you’re just too unlucky and have tried to give you tips and tricks on how to overcome your “condition” as if being single was some sort of disability.

You know you’re single AF when you’d rather not waste your time on a fling and settle for the real deal. There are moments when you do want that occasional hookup, but at one point you realize that it just isn’t for you. You refuse to settle for anything less and have become a very picky dater. You find it difficult to sacrifice your comfort zone for just anyone. It has taken you so long to get comfortable in your own skin, that you’d rather stay that way than waste time on another mindless idiot. You don’t mind going out alone, and being independent is a skill you have mastered.

You know you’re single AF, when your last real ex has been with a few people after you both were done. Your bitter feelings towards your exes slowly start to fade with time and you find yourself forgiving them, even when you were initially skeptical about the whole idea. You’ve become mature enough to not hold grudges against anyone. Sometimes you miss and laugh at the memories of when you were younger and more stupid. But you would never trade what you have now for those moments that weren’t meant to last.

There are moments when you truly wish you could change your status. No matter how comfortable you are by yourself, irregardless of how much you value your alone time, you do not fancy being lonely. You don’t mind going to the movies alone, but when you see that couple next to you, you can feel a bittersweet smile playing on your lips. That’s okay. Because someday, you’ll be glad you didn’t settle for less. You’ll be glad you waited. It’s all worth it in the end.

What being in love with your best friend is like.

“The one” pops up in your life when you least expect it. “The one” is the person you least expect them to be. They could be the one sarcastic asshole you thought you hated, while one day, out of the blue you realize that his one liners and your constant bickering are actually amusing. They could be that girl who you automatically assumed was a delinquent because she smoked, but then you realize that this girl had a tragic back story. They could be the one helpful friend you side-lined while trying to pursue someone who possibly didn’t care about you. My point being, despite always keeping your eyes open, you always tend to fall for the one person you never thought you’d fall for.

Being in love with your best friend is the most unpredictable twist you will ever come across in life. It is completely different from all the other crushes you’ve had. Long story short, it’s bittersweet. It’s a state of confusion and constant worry. It is having numerous unanswered questions, but not quite wanting to find out the possible answers. It’s a state of fear, as to whether this could bring an end to a much well treasured friendship. You don’t want to screw up the friendship, but you don’t want to continue pretending to be “just friends” when “just friends” is the last thing you want to be.

Being in love with someone you know inside out can be exciting and exhausting at the same time. Especially, if they aren’t aware of your feelings towards them. You have been with them through their highs and their lows. You know all their embarrassing secrets, the weird stories and confessions that aren’t meant to go public. You know all about their terrible dates, mistakes they’ve made and all their quirky kinks. You have numerous inside jokes which crack you up the moment the mere thought crosses. In fact, you both speak a language of your own, which nobody else has understood to this day.

What’s so beautiful about being in love with your best friend is its purity. The lust factor is almost non-existent. You know how physically attractive they are, but you’re aware that it’s their mentality that syncs perfectly with yours. You know that your best friend deserves so much better than those imbeciles who failed to see what you see in them. You know how caring and passionate they can be and it turns you on immensely. You know how vulnerable they can be at times and you know exactly how to take care of them. You know them so well and you know how strong your feelings for them are, and it sometimes freaks you out. You know it’s real because you can pinpoint what exactly their problems are, but regardless of their flaws and insecurities you find yourself deeply in love with them. This situation is described perfectly in a cheesy quote which says “Once you fall in love with someone’s personality, everything about them becomes beautiful”.

Despite how wonderful the feeling is, the situation often frustrates you. You subtly flirt with them and try to drop a few hints, but they never seem to get it. It’s almost as if every time you’re being nice, they assume that you’re flirting, and every time you flirt, they just assume that you’re only being nice. You go out of your way to help them out when they need you. You listen to their rants at 2 AM, batting a half open eyelid. You try your best to cheer them up when their ex upsets them only to get a “Thank you for being such a good friend” in return. While your friend is crying on your shoulder, you grimace and tell them “It’s okay. I’m always here for you” while patting their head. It takes you all your willpower to not kiss them in that vulnerable state. You physically have to hold yourself from blurting out those three words which could either ruin or make your day (perhaps maybe even your life). The uncertainty terrifies you. The uncertainty prevents you from making a single move.

Many call you a coward for not expressing how you truly feel. What they fail to understand is how terrifying it can be. You can’t count the number of times you almost said those words but stopped yourself halfway. It’s not that you can’t handle possible rejection. It’s just that you can’t handle the awkwardness that follows your one-sided confession which could potentially destroy your friendship. It’s the fear that your friendship will never be the same. It also worries you that your friend might agree to date you, just to appease you when the feelings aren’t mutual. Even though there is a brief moment of happiness, it would upset you further in the long run. The saying “Dating your best friend might be fun. But breaking up with them results in the loss of a best friend as well as a partner.” frightens you to no end. While you would love to believe that they are your best friend and you would work it out and last a long time, the ugly truth ruins your fantasies. The future is not yours to see, and anything is possible.

In spite of all this, you would continue to love them even if you have to do so silently. Because they are the only thing that makes you look forward to the next day. The only thing that makes your existence tolerable. Their smile brightens up your gloomiest day, which is why you continue trying to make them laugh even if you’re stuck in the friendzone. The “successfully escaped the friendzone” posts will continue to motivate you. Maybe someday you’ll get that ten seconds of insane bravery and tell them how you feel. Maybe it will all work out. Maybe you’ll get over it and laugh at the fact that you used to like them at your best friend’s wedding five years later. Maybe your best friend is going through the same dilemma and scared to vocalize their feelings too. Maybe, just maybe.

Why being picky is not a bad thing.

I was always the perpetually single friend in my squad. My love life was always the biggest joke I’d ever heard. As depressing as all this is, I tried to enjoy being single and not mind too much about it. After being exposed to the worst of the worst of dating, I have finally accepted that I’m indeed going to die alone with 72 cats. I have accepted my ‘Single AF’ status. I’m done with dating egotistical, narcissistic, emotionally dysfunctional, commitment-phobes. I may not have dated too many people, but I most definitely have learnt a lot. I’ve learnt not to trust anyone but myself, and I’ve also learnt that friendships are not worth risking when it comes to dating.

These experiences have transformed me into a slight commitment-phobe, as I’ve gotten extremely picky over the past few months. The numerous dating deal breakers I have aren’t helping much either. I have realized that I cannot be happy with just anyone. I began to realize how easily people began to bore me. It was extremely frustrating as I was actually trying to like these people. What I failed to realize then was that I cannot force myself to like someone I don’t like no matter how hard I try and that sometimes people just don’t “click”. After thinking long and hard about it, I realized that being picky was not a bad thing. In fact, why should it even be considered a bad thing? Am I not supposed to be picky about whom I choose to spend my time and energy on? Am I not supposed to consider their bad habits, pet peeves and such when I’m choosing my hypothetical future spouse? Am I not supposed to compare our morals and beliefs?

I would honestly rather be single forever than be in the wrong relationship. I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies. As Warsan Shire says, “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude”. It’s important to stay single until someone actually compliments your life in a way that it makes it better to not be single. If not, it’s seriously not worth it. It’s important to not date someone just for the sake of it, or go on dating people to get rid of the loneliness. In fact, you are supposed to kiss one frog, and not fuck the entire pond.

It’s really important to get out of an unhappy relationship especially if you feel like you don’t get along. Life’s too short to waste time. We meet plenty of shitty people and learn our fair share of life’s lessons before we meet our “zing” and that’s completely fine. I for one, am willing to wait for my zing.

What we fail to realize sometimes is that, we are blinded by another person while the “zing” is right in front of us. Many writers, film makers and such have told us how to recognize our zing. While different people say different things, many of them outline on a few important common traits in a zing. Your zing is the person who may despise some of your habits, but still love you for who you are. Your zing is the person that actually understands and deals with your anger and your mood swings, the person who can make you laugh even when your eyes are brimming with tears. This is the person whom you can joke around with, be a slight asshole to, and be a sweetheart to, all the same time. This is the person whose eyes can melt your heart, whose smirk can make your heart jittery and whose touch laces the butterflies in your stomach with marijuana. Don’t settle for anything less, as your ultimate decision is either 90% of your happiness, or 90% of your sorrow.

Never ever feel bad about being single again, or for not getting enough action.  Never again, feel bad about saving yourself for the right person if that’s what you believe in.  It’s alright to have deal breakers and to be picky about your future. However, what’s not alright is if you put your happiness at stake due to feeling pressured by comments made by your friends and family. Whatever you do is your choice, and ultimately your own. Never be afraid to make someone realize that.